Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Roller Coasters and Deal Breakers

I like to keep my dating life private except for a few of my close friends. Sometimes my family doesn't even know that I'm dating someone. Two days into this week and a guy that I've been on one date with has become my boyfriend to my coworkers. Oh the industry I work in. It's a funny little one. The problem with my coworkers teasing assessment is that I don't think I'm making it to date two with my "boyfriend." Part of me is sad, but a bigger part is relieved.

Dating is such a roller coaster of emotions. My roommate and I were talking about it today because I had a rough day (not all dating related) and so I needed to unload a little bit. I've been perfectly content not dating anyone, but then I met someone in a place that I never wanted to meet a guy and of course my hopes got built up and now we've been on a date and there were signs that things were going to progress, but now? Now I think it's done. It gets better though. See now that I've written him off in a sense, I'm sure he'll make an appearance back in my life tomorrow. It's how my dating life has always worked. I try to not go to extremes, but it's hard for me. I'm a commitment type of person. I stick by people through thick and thin. Once I've decided to let you in, I'll give you anything. I'm just not sure I'd ever be able to let this guy in though. CHD makes up a small part of why.

I try to hold off on telling guys about my CHD. My roommate says that any guy who is scared by it is an idiot. That was encouraging to hear, but I know I can't get mad if a guy doesn't want to live a life with a partner with a chronic condition. It's a lot to ask someone. It's a commitment to at least yearly doctor appointments, genetic counseling to make sure it's safe for me to get pregnant, extra care during a pregnancy, being asked to make my health decisions for me if I can't, a lifetime of uncertainty, and many other things. It would be easy not to bring it up with a guy I meet right now and the guy I just went out with doesn't know about my health. Ask me again after I've trained to be an ambassador for the Adult Congenital Heart Association. Do I just leave out my volunteering when he asks what I do in my free time? What about in December when I'm facing a minor surgical procedure? If he wants to go out near my surgery, I either have to lie or tell him I'm having surgery and then explain why and about my condition and so on.

I'm also a total hypocrite. I don't want to be with someone with a chronic illness. One chronic illness is enough for me. A beautiful woman I look up to is married to a wonderful man and both of them have chronic illnesses. It doesn't phase their relationship one bit. I don't think I could handle it though. I go through enough emotions over me. Please don't make me add the emotions and worry over someone else's medical problems. I'm on an emotional roller coaster on a daily basis as is and am not looking to add in extra loops or drops. I know people in general look at me and don't see the label "sick" and it's a label I prefer not to use, but in an essence, I am. While I'm capable and ready to navigate this CHD road on my own, I have faith that a co-pilot is going to come along someday and help smooth out the roller coaster it is. All I have to do is get past the first date...