Wednesday, January 1, 2014

2013 = The Year of the Tease

I know I haven't written in a while. Since I last updated I crossed another state off of my list. I went to Texas near the end of October to train for a volunteer position for an organization that I love. I can't wait to see all of the people I met at the training this year and to welcome in the new people selected to join our group. Since it is a worldwide day of reflection though, I thought I would look back at this year.

In 2013 I found a perfect condo well within my price range, but was outbid on it. Then it came back onto the market for like a split second and was dashed from my within my reach again.

I was supposed to have a final surgical procedure before Christmas and finally close the saga of tests and procedures since I switched to an adult clinic, but surgery is now tentative for February/March so that case is still open.

A year ago this month I ended things mutually with a good guy then went a looooooong part of the year not dating anyone. I met the guy from the last post, but he and I are destined for friendship. I met another guy and things were going okay until red flag after red flag crowded my vision of him and I ended things.

As soon as I ended things with him I reconnected with a guy I talked to almost 2 years ago and went out on a date with once. He didn't remember the date which was fine with me because I remember that I was super awkward. We had an intense few weeks of dating which involved meeting his parents, his next door neighbors that he adores, and having brief conversations with him discussing money and the next step in his career. Things were going really well and then he told me that he didn't have time for me. I found a great guy who supported my moral standing on things, was willing to go to church with me sometimes, and had dreams and ambitions with the motivation to achieve them. His dog loved me. It was easy to spend time together and I never felt worried if he didn't get back to me right away. I had an incredible guy within my reach and all of a sudden, he removed himself from the situation.

When he walked away I was devastated. I felt hurt and betrayed. I don't fall for many guys and I threw caution to the wind and fell hard for him. I try to view these things that happen in my life as having a purpose because that's what a good Christian girl does. She looks at the bad in her life and moves on because God has something better in store for her. The only time she is supposed to look back is to find the lessons and meaning behind what she went through.

God and I have had it out over the past couple of weeks. There's been pleading and reasoning of my disbelief that he would be okay with seeing his little girl cry. If he hurts when I hurt, why didn't he just take the pain away and bring him back to me? I'm not sure what grand lesson I'm supposed to take from this year. It seems like the obvious answer is to stay faithful to God, but I've been faithful for 12 years. I think I've learned that lesson. Maybe I'm supposed to learn how to tune out that evil voice in my head that is trying to make me feel inadequate and broken. Unfortunately, that voice still wins most of the time.

If there's one thing I've learned from having CHD, it's that life is uncertain and can change instantly, for better or worse. CHDers, especially those of us who have known since we were little, adjust because we have to even if we don't like it. I know I don't handle adjustments well especially when I have no control over them, but I've learned to just keep going. It's the only option available. Thankfully there are glimpses along the way that remind you why you kept going. I'm living for those glimpses these days because after a year of disappointment, they're a bright spot that I know I can count on.

Here's to hoping this year is full of fulfilled expectations! Happy 2014!

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